First of all, I’m a Cavs fan. Here in Cleveland, everyone loves the Cavs. And I mean LOVE the Cavs. They have a poster of Lebron James on a 10 story building. People use words like Delonte, Z and wild thing like they are institutions. LeBron is pronounced like french cuisine. People are nuts about the Cavs. Though I’m a fan, I’m not insane and take a more pragmatic approach to assessing their chances this season.
So, you can’t blame me when I smartly called the Cavs the 4th best team in the NBA before the season started. That’s behind the Lakers, Magic and Celtics in no particular order. And no, I am not a fan of any of those teams. However, Mira’s teacher, Mrs. Salerno, called me out. So, we made a bet. Every time the Cavs beat one of those teams, I buy her a starbucks. Every time the other teams win, I get cookies.
How has that worked out for me? Not so well. I’m 2-4 so far this season (I think). Which means that I’ve had to buy 4 coffees and have only gotten 2 boxes of cookies. Most of this doesn’t have much to do with no bakes and nut rolls, but its important to know for this story.
I won cookies a week or so ago and Salerno sent me a text asking what cookies I wanted. I responded, “no bake” I stopped by school a few days later after she said that she had picked up the cookies. You could imagine my surprise when I found this waiting for me:
No bake?
So, I’m like, “What are these?” These aren’t no bake cookies. She says, “I didn’t bake those, I bought them at the store, thus they are no bake cookies.”
“Seriously? Is this a joke? You don’t know what a no bake cookie is? You are joking, where are my no bakes?” At this point I feel like I’m in some weird Elvis and Costello skit, No Bakes on first, Nutter Butters on second? Oh no, she was serious. She had never heard of a no bake cookie.
We ask another person in the classroom and they have no idea what a no bake cookie is. I goto work and ask my team what a no bake cookie is. No idea. I ask just about any person I come into contact with in Cleveland what a no bake cookie is. They don’t know. Stores don’t carry them, bakers stare blankly into oblivion when you ask.
What kind of place are we living in that doesn’t understand the chocolaty, peanut buttery goodness that is a no baked cookie? Salerno asked where she can buy some. My response, “At the grocery store in the delicious isle.”
Now, you should also know that Mrs. Salerno got us a nut roll for Christmas. Which I’m assuming is Cleveland’s version of the fruit cake. It’s this dry, cardboard tasting thing that has some sugar in it. But tastes like someone tied it to the back of their car and drug it over to your house before they gave it to you. It looks like this:
Behold, pure evil!
So, in my “no bake” interviews, I also asked the following question, “Do you know what a nut roll is?” Every person I polled, every woman, man, child and even bathroom attendant knew what a nut roll was. I had never even heard of a nut roll until I moved here.
That’s right. Here in Cleveland, everyone knows what a nut roll is and no one has any inkling of what a no bake cookie is. How can that be? What kind of place is this?
The sweet, crumbly, chocolaty, buttery goodness that is a no bake cookie has been lost to this entire midwestern city! For the record. Mrs. Salerno found a recipe and made me a batch of no bakes. And they were absolutely scrumptious!
So good!
It is still a sad day folks. A day that has inspired me to begin a new section of the blog I am going to entitle, “What’s wrong with Cleveland” Small things that irk me about our home for the past 2+ years. And just so that I don’t put all my energy into a negative basket, I’ll also add a “What I love about Cleveland” section also. In that section, we’ll talk about the zoo, the train, Joe’s Deli and great childcare.
However, today is not a happy, momentous occasion. Today is a sad day. Today is the day I realized nearly every person living in Cleveland thinks nut rolls are delicious and doesn’t even know what a no bake cookie is. Tragic. Absolutely tragic. Hide your children, run for the hills. There is no sugary goodness in Cleveland, this town is bereft of sugary goodness.
That my friends, is what’s wrong with Cleveland…
If I remember correctly, you said you ate the whole nut roll shorly after you picked it up.
It was, alas, a lie. I did not eat it, but didn’t want to make you feel bad. You seemed to be very excited to have open our family’s doors to the joys of the nut roll. If only you knew the folly of your ways. Nut rolls are evil and should be destroyed…
I will admit that nut roll purchased from a grocery store tend to be dry and not so good. But if made correctly, which the one I gave you was. They are very good.